A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Another good weight reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back. -Robert Quillen
Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. -English Proverb
Eat to live, do not live to eat. -William Penn, 1693
I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating.--Tommy John
I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.--Jennifer Greene Duncan
I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it?
I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.
I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. -Joel, 14, Advice from Kids
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
I have a weight problem (I can't wait to start eating!)
Touch your toes
And touch your toes
And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.
I get my exercise running to the refrigerator.
I thought tuna was something to hold the mayonaise together.
Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.
First you consume chocolate, then chocolate consumes you.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
Some people are afraid of heights.I'm afraid of widths.
You know you are dieting when postage stamps taste good.
'Stressed' is 'Desserts' spelled backwards
Relish today. Catchup tomorrow.
Diet: Two people dying together.
Note that if you take the T away from the word diet, it spells die.
Food will kill me... But not if I kill it first!
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
It's not fat, it's potential muscle.
Eat well, exercise and die anyway.
If weight were money, I'd be rich. --David (User Submitted-Thank You!)
I'm on a the Weight Watchers diet: I watch my weight increase. --David (User Submitted-Thank You!)
Dieting is for those weak people who aren't strong enough to carry around all that food. --David (User Submitted-Thank You!)
I'm on the seafood diet. Kelp's my favorite. --David (User Submitted-Thank You!)
Exercise is a bad word; everytime I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate. (User Submitted-Thank You!)
"I was going to wake up early to go jogging, but my toes voted against me 10 to 1." --Randy Glasbergen
"The handle on your recliner does not qualify as an excersize machine." --Randy Glasbergen
"If you put a crouton on your sundae instead of a cherry, it counts as a salad." --Randy Glasbergen
"Potato chips aren't rubbery and blubbery like fat. They're crispy and crunchy like lettuce. That proves they're diet food!" --Randy Glasbergen
"My doctor told me to start my excersize program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants." --Randy Glasbergen
"The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there!" --Randy Glasbergen
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we doesn't know where she is. - Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.- Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -Jackie Gleason
I'm on a 30 pound diet. So far I gained 15 pounds.
No one ever went to the grave saying "I wish I'd eaten more rice cakes."
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.
Birthdays are like glazed donuts. Sometimes its better not to remember how many you've had.
Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.
Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.
Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
Birthdays are like buses, never the number you want.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.-- Jerry M. Wright
You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.-- Bob Hope
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." --Jerry Seinfeld
"Iím 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?" --Barry Cryer
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Happy Birthday on your very special day, I hope that you don't die before you eat your cake.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
"I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect." --George Burns
At twenty we worry about what others think of us; at forty we don't care about what others think of us; at sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all.
"As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did."--Robert Benchley
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you."--Cyril Connolly
Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place."--Abigail Van Buren
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
In dog years, I'm dead.
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.
"If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred." --George Burns